now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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