I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
