So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
