God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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