I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
