I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
