I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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