Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Don't make out with my wife yet
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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