found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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