If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
