So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
