im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
