I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
