I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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