You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
