how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
