I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We are all done wearing pants today
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
