Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
