Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
