So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
