so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
