Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
