Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
