She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
