4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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