Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
