a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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