overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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