I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
