last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
