Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
