Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
