Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
