My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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