I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
