Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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