Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
