the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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