The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
