in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
