i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
sarcasm needs its own font
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
