I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
