apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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