I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
