I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
