Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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