I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
