Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
