final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
