the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
