your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
