i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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