Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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