Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize