i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
