the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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