i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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