How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize