Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
